Things-that-we-lose-finally
Chai
Last week, I unexpectedly committed a blunder and lost all the articles I've been crafting since 2016. Consequently, I began pondering whether it's worthwhile to embark on the journey of rebuilding my blog. The words that follow can be seen as some of my contemplations on this matter.
The greatest hindrance lies in the unreliability of memory. When different individuals reminisce about times they've shared together, fragments of memory invariably harbor slight discrepancies. The same holds true for one's own recollection of the past. I cannot guarantee whether I can accurately recall what articles I've written in the past. Perhaps some are quite memorable to me, but the details have become too fragmented. Rebuilding such a blog might feel insincere, diminishing its meaning.
The key question is, why do we write? For me, it is a form of critical thinking exercise, and the purpose of writing is to allow my potential readers to better understand me in the future. I never post my articles on self-publishing platforms like WeChat Official Accounts or Zhihu.” If someone takes pleasure in promoting their own articles, this behavior is more like a preacher seeking followers to gain economic or political benefits from them. The authenticity of content in such articles becomes questionable. Writing for the sake of certain metrics is not sustainable in the long run.
As for myself, I am my own best reader. I only occasionally reference points from my own articles in deep conversations with others, suggesting they read them if they're interested. Apart from writing articles to document, I'm not very attentive to my own past. Even when people around me bring up things from my past, I often find myself wondering, did those really happen?
It sounds quite unfortunate, but every cloud has a silver lining. Even if some precious and genuine memories from the past are irretrievable, there's still a chance for positive gains. When you recall the same event but get different versions, it's like there are a thousand Hamlets in the eyes of a thousand readers. In such situations, authenticity becomes less crucial.
For those who enjoy introspection, it's necessary to look back occasionally, but if one indulges too much in the past, it becomes challenging to make timely decisions and take action in today's fast-paced life. This also indirectly brings up the possible reason for me not being as active in blogging anymore – there's not enough time.
To be honest, in the world of adults, many actions require consideration of the so-called cost-effectiveness, and people tend to lean towards activities with higher short-term returns. The environment of cutthroat competition can subtly influence everyone. Ordinary workers who don't engage in this abnormal competition are at risk of being marginalized. Despite having come into contact with many advocates of long-termism, I have also seen numerous practitioners who have been forced to give up their ideals and succumb to the reality. I'm no exception.
Over the past two years, my primary focus has been on addressing the conflicts between work and life. I've come to realize that theoretical knowledge from books alone is insufficient to help us develop a proper understanding of society, especially when it comes to comprehending the complexity of human beings. Being a pure idealist is as unreliable as being a pure long-term thinker. The fundamental basis of human interaction lies in the exchange of interests, rather than in inherent abilities and character.
When I couldn't reconcile the conflict between idealism and reality, I found myself in a severe inner turmoil. In such a state, solitary writing only had a negative impact because writing alone couldn't correct cognitive biases about the world. During this period, my excessive critical thinking resulted in self-criticism, periods of depression, and even mania. I was teetering on the edge of bipolar disorder. I began seeing doctors and taking medication, but the results were quite limited. It wasn't until I resigned and returned to my hometown to focus on self-care that, with the help of relatives and friends, my condition began to improve. I only did two things: taking a daily walk outside and getting more sunlight.
As of now, I'm not as obsessed with blogging anymore; fundamentally, after this illness, my desire to express myself has greatly diminished. The world is not a simple binary; the concepts of truth, goodness, beauty, falsehood, evil, and ugliness will continually clash and evolve within the currents of history. What I love most now is actually computer-related things because as long as you build up enough understanding, computers won't deceive you. In the world of binary, things are either true or false, straightforward and simple. They never lie, and they never change without human intervention.
We should actively seek to understand and reshape the world through practical experience. In the past, I resisted socializing, believing it to be a preference of selfish individuals. However, now I classify it as an essential part of daily life. If we are accustomed to solely expressing our own viewpoints without actively engaging in discussions and sharing perspectives with others about various matters, we become more vulnerable when conflicts arise. Now I might spend more time on reading, socializing, and programming.
So, in the end, I've come to realize that life is a mix of gains and losses, a constantly shifting landscape of memories and experiences. Writing, like life itself, is a journey filled with moments of clarity and confusion, purpose and doubt. It's a reflection not just of our thoughts but of the ever-evolving tapestry of our existence. Balancing idealism and reality, past and present, we may lose some things along the way, but we gain wisdom from life's imperfections. It's in embracing this imperfection that we uncover the beauty of our shared human experience. For every loss, there's also discovery, and in this dance between loss and finding, we unearth the true essence of our own stories. Just as we lose, we also find, and in this dance of loss and discovery, we uncover the true essence of our own narratives.
I appreciate the habit of writing for providing me with a period of independence, logic, and self-reflection. However, the content of my past creations has been lost. Perhaps it's best to let the past be the past. The only constant is me as an individual; I have never stopped moving forward. As I write this passage, there's a fierce storm raging outside, heavy rain pouring down, and it's fiercely pounding against the windows. When living conditions become harsh, no one will leisurely contemplate and create; instead, they choose to do whatever it takes to survive. But even when the most powerful typhoon comes, we must believe that it will eventually pass.